This is So Chic, Very Chic, PAPER’s examination of Bravo’s sprawling cohort of fashion obsessives. From haute couture to TJ Maxx, they’ve literally worn it all. Sometimes they stunt, sometimes they turn the look, and sometimes they burn holes in retinas my ophthalmologist says might never heal.
Bravo’s The Valley has a serious issue … a serious fashion issue.
Every week, I tune in for Bravo’s latest hit series, which has captivated the hearts and minds of anonymous Twitter accounts and Reddit posters everywhere. I sift through countless bad opinions about how Danny definitely doesn’t have an issue with alcohol, or how Brittany is actually the bad guy. I even stomach the one millionth tweet about how Janet is a war criminal for being annoying on national television in her various TJ Maxx dresses. I tune in despite the noise because, for some unfathomable reason, the show is mostly good.
It’s no replacement for the epic heights of Vanderpump Rules, but those are gone like the Obama years, now just a dream that never really existed in the first place. The Valley is more honest about the state of our country’s collective psyche.
But this is still television, and I don’t tune into Bravo for David Attenborough documentaries about wildlife in their natural habitats of Tarzana, California. I tune in because alongside the drama, I’m usually given something to look at. With The Valley, I’m more content with looking away most of the time, seeing as the fashions should come with a medical warning. View at one’s own risk, or suffer permanent psychological damage.
Seeing as the damage has already been done for this fashion columnist, why don’t I press on anyways. Shall we?
The Valley
Kristen Doute
I love Kristen. Seeing as she’s firmly pregnant in these confessionals, I’ll glaze over the outfit to focus instead on the glam. This show, from what I’ve been told, isn’t paying those late-season Vanderpump Rules salaries. It’s certainly not dishing out The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills salaries, or even the pennies they pay to the The Real Housewives of Potomac.
Similarly, I know that Miss Mama is on a budget, seeing as she’s just bought a house with her fiancé and the two have a new baby to think about. But my god, who was it that convinced my sister to put blue eyeshadow on the inside corners? Who was it, seriously? I demand answers, because they have the star of this show walking around like she’s Gina Liano on that first season of Melbourne, where she mostly had a wig on and screamed at Lydia.
This Gremlin
Here’s the thing: I’m sure this man has been thoroughly taught by his two-bit grifter pastor to love his wife in the way men think wives should be loved. I’m sure he’s very proud of being a father, and I’m sure in any other world, his career making zombie noises would be modestly impressive to a pageant queen now living in Santa Clarita. But I have still not been convinced he’s anything other than a drunken weirdo who films confessionals in jeans and always has some smug look on his face about it.
I find his fashion off-putting, I find his personality repulsive, and I’m old enough to remember when Bravo viewers thought James Kennedy was a broken baby bird who had to be protected from the evil Kristen Doute. I am not fooled, and I know those jeans are cheap to boot! Three under three might be his mantra for having children, but it shouldn’t also be his shopping habits where it concerns his pants and t-shirts.
Zack Wickham
As for the actual number one guy in the group, here’s Zack, PAPER star and owner of 15 unique jackets that he will likely pass down to a friend’s child as a late in life gay uncle. (Sorry, but the man has a Monster energy fridge in his kitchen. I don’t think children are on the radar right now.)
Having spoken to Zack recently, I feel somewhat bad laying into the hair, but I promise there are sunnier pastures out there, far away from combovers and American Crew gel.
Brittany Cartwright
Jax has done innumerable evil things to Brittany over the course of their relationship: one of the lesser evils being this boob job. It’s not that it’s bad, or that she’s disfigured. As a boob job recipient myself, I feel spiritually connected to her in our shared struggles. But my god, does she have a hard time fitting them into the prairie dresses and keyhole rags she’s worn all season! The color is quite nice on her, if basic, but the glam and breast and too-long extensions cheapen the look in ways she doesn’t deserve.
Next Gen NYC
Gia, Ariana and Ava
Three girls fight in a SoHo bar on a Friday night. Picture them in your head right now. One has a Jersey accent, one talks like a California layabout, and the other has the sort of voice you might hear over an Instagram reel. Take in the cadence, and the shrill whine of the Jersey girl as she gets unnecessarily involved in some coworker drama. Now, open your eyes. See the three girls before you. Don’t they look exactly how you just imagined?
Georgia
The more time goes on, the more I become convinced that Georgia is the best thing to happen to television in at least six months. She’s real to a fault, she combs her hair with a fork and she even throws house arrest parties for Anna Delvey. Better yet, the fork never really parts her greasy hair the right way, leaving her with a permanently off-center ‘do that distinguishes her in a crowd of Manhattan socialites.
It’s giving Gallery Girls, for those of us with AARP cards in the mail. And the fashion sense is likewise there, however off-putting it might be. She dresses, to me, like that girl who films herself in basketball shorts and corsets with mule kitten heels on the ACE.
Take these black slacks, hot pink blazer vest and mesh bra. It’s just so weird and bad and good at the same time! I really treasure this woman, even if I’d move to the opposite train car if she walked in with her posse of rich kids.
The Real Housewives of Atlanta
The Real Housewives of Atlanta
Shamea Morton
I’ve typed out various paragraphs to fully explain how this makes me feel. I’ve waxed poetic, I’ve raged, I’ve thrown my laptop out the window, gone to replace it and then burned the replacement right there in the store. Somebody posted that video online, and now I’m being cancelled by social media because I’m endangering the lives of Apple Store employees. Now, in jail, I’ve been smuggled a flip phone to write this whole column, so I’ll keep this simple: Be fucking serious, Shamea. I’m so serious. Be fucking serious!
Kelli Ferrell and Drew Sidora
The accessories on this season of RHOA are certainly something. Women are dressed either like that meme of the woman stepping into the New Year or like a Roberto Cavalli runway model in 2003. Neither are good things, in this context, especially the two examples above.
Shamea Morton and Porsha Williams
Speaking of being wildly dressed up for literally nothing, here’s what Shamea and Porsha wore to a regional motel fundraiser in the middle of the day in the greater Atlanta metro area. I have run out of words to describe how either of these outfits make me feel, sans that Shamea looks like she’s about to turn to camera and say: “We are under fucking attack.”
Shamea Morton, Kelli Ferrell and Phaedra Parks
I just don’t understand why anyone dresses the way they do on this show, certainly these women most of all. It’s like they each got separate invites to separate costume parties, before Freaky Friday body swapping the morning of and inadvertently attending the same function in whatever they could scrounge up from the other’s closets.
The Real Housewives of Miami
Marysol Patton
We’ll close with The Real Housewives of Miami, which delivered a drama-packed episode that was lackluster in the fashions department. No matter, considering Marysol looked like a radiant bride in her little white dress and veil. That she rolled up to the chapel on a motorcycle made this all the better!
Kiki Barth
As for Kiki’s latest confessional, the glam is stellar and the outfit is anything but. Really, I’ve never seen something so oddly constructed as this, sans Shamea’s goddess cosplay over in RHOA.
Photos courtesy of Bravo/NBCUniversal